Stand by your cheating man or kick him to the curb? It's not a
decision any woman wants to make, but that many have after their
philandering mates were caught. This Lifescript exclusive digs deep
to discover why so many wives choose to stick it out. Plus, will
your guy cheat? Rate the risk...
They all do it: celebrities, politicians, even the hubby next
door.
Sure, the names of the cheaters change: Think John Edwards, Kobe
Bryant, Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, John Ensign.
But the story’s the same: Husband cheats, gets caught. Wife
grimaces, then bears it.
In fact, up to 75% of couples rocked by an affair stay together,
according to research by Peggy Vaughan, author of Preventing
Affairs: You Can Have a Monogamous Marriage, But Not by Just
Assuming You're Immune (Dialog Press). That so many wronged spouses
managed to turn the other cheek is admirable to some. But you can’t
help wondering: Why didn’t they push their wandering mates out the
door?
Lifescript talked to women and experts to find out why
beleaguered wives choose to stand by their men. Here’s what they
told us:
1. She doesn’t want to be alone.
When your husband takes up with a prettier, shapelier – perhaps
even younger – woman, it doesn’t inspire confidence that you still
got it goin’ on.
Insecurity can be enough of a glue to stick with a marriage.
“Fear of being alone keeps people in all kinds of horrible
situations and relationships,” says life coach Lauren Mackler,
author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your
Life (Hay House, 2009) and host of “Lauren’s Life Keys” on Hay House
Radio.
Women are more afraid of going solo than men are, she says.
“That comes from believing that they need a man to take care of
them. Even though we’ve come a long way, many messages still tell us
that.”
2. Her finances take a hit.
“Women’s greatest fear is they’ll become bag ladies,” says Gilda
Carle, Ph.D., creator of DrGilda.com and author of He’s Not All That
(Collins). “In their minds, they’d be leaving him for a life of
poverty just because he’s been cavorting elsewhere.”
It’s not a completely unfounded fear: A woman is likely to draw
the short financial straw in a divorce.
An ex-wife’s standard of living drops more than 25%, studies
show. They’re also more likely to lose other essentials, such as
health insurance and their homes.
3. He’s not perfect.
An affair “may not be a deal breaker,” explains Michele Sugg, a
certified sex therapist in Branford, Conn.
“We tend to think that once a slippery bit has slid into someone
else’s slippery bit, it’s the end of a relationship.”
True, that’s how newlyweds think, says Brown University
psychiatrist Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Happily
Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families (both Wiley).
But, “as people live, age and grow together, they recognize that
they have to give up the dreams of the perfect spouse,” he says.
They know their mate eventually will disappoint them.
4. Her professional status is tied to his.
Many educated women still put their careers second, behind their
husband's. If you’ve been known as Mr. Big Shot’s Wife, leaving that
relationship may close doors professionally.
“A wife can lose her status because of divorce,” Haltzman says.
“If you’re married to a governor, you’re a governor’s wife.”
Otherwise, you’re just his ex-wife.
5. She’ll lose friends.
Adding insult to injury, a divorcing wife risks breaking up her
social circle as well, especially if it was exclusively other
married couples.
Sad but true: A solo woman is considered a threat to the
stability of other relationships and married friends often pull
away.
“If you live in a community where marriage is touted and single
women are shunned, do you want to become an outcast because your
husband did this?” asks Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Little White
Lies, Deep Dark Secrets: The Truth About Why Women Lie (St. Martin’s
Press).
6. Her family is against divorce.
Natalie (her name is changed to protect her privacy) was recently
wed and newly pregnant when she discovered her husband had three
other women on the side.
For 13 years, the manager of a California nonprofit toughed out
countless infidelities before she finally filed for divorce.
Even then, her decision didn’t sit well with her traditional
Catholic family. They believed, as do many cultures, that it’s up to
the woman to keep a marriage together — whatever the cost.
Her family and in-laws cursed her. “My mother disowned me,”
Natalie says.
For five years, her family pressured her to go back to her
husband. Her ex lobbied hard, too, getting down on his knees and
swearing he’d never stray again.
“I said, ‘Yes,’ because I could see my three kids were hoping I’d
give their daddy a chance.”
But even all the family pressure couldn’t keep her marriage
together in the end.
“One day he left his pager at home and there was a strange number
on it,” Natalie says. “I thought, Not again.”
The incident reaffirmed her first decision and this time she left
for good. “I was angry and resentful because I allowed myself to get
hurt again. And my children were devastated.”
7. She’s emotionally invested in her man.
For many women, their husbands are an essential part of the
family tapestry and disentangling it would be devastating.
“Over their lifetimes, these women can see their men for the
contributions they’ve made, for the role they play in their lives,
in their families,” Haltzman explains.
So they think hard before throwing it away.
“Women struggle to see the whole picture,” he says, and try to
figure out if their husband’s stupid mistake will dissolve the
family or help it endure and grow.
Of course, a woman is more likely to take this view if it’s a
one-time tryst rather than an extracurricular relationship or
pattern of infidelity that’s gone on for years.
That was the case with Deb (identified by her first name only for
privacy). She learned that her husband had slept with one of her
girlfriends shortly after she gave birth to their second child.
The Arkansas radio host thought about leaving him but decided to
stay.
Now, 17 years later, they’re about to celebrate their 21st
wedding anniversary.
“I thought, I invested my time with this man and we have two
kids. I worked through the denial, the anger, the hatred and I just
tried to put it behind me.”
But she hasn’t forgotten it — or let him.
“Is there a smidgen of me that wouldn’t like to choke his neck?
Yes. And I’ll carry that around for the rest of my life.”
8. She has a hidden agenda.
Consider Hillary Clinton, who stiff-upper-lipped it through
Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones, and Monica Lewinsky because she had
her own political aspirations:
“She must have thought, It’s better to stay married because if I
divorce, I’ll still have this albatross around my neck and I might
not get what I want at the end,” says sex and relationship therapist
Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., director of the Buehler Institute in
Irvine, Calif.
This devil’s bargain can pay off, if you make it with eyes open
and a clear head.
It doesn’t work “when we stay out of fear or low self-esteem
because that causes suffering,” Mackler says.
When does it work? If there are benefits to staying and you feel
good about them, she says. “Then who cares?”
9. Infidelity could make the marriage stronger.
An ordeal like this could improve your relationship. If you’re
both willing, therapists say, an affair can get you talking about
those long-avoided issues – sex, money, careers, housework,
emotional distance.
“If there’s a foundation of friendship and love, you can use this
crisis as an opportunity to understand what’s not working in the
relationship and take some action to fix it,” Mackler says.
That will take work and perhaps couples therapy, but in the end,
you both may grow closer and your relationship stronger.
And who wouldn’t stick around for that?
Norine Dworkin-McDaniel, a frequent contributor to Lifescript,
writes about health, relationships and sexuality for national
magazines, including Marie Claire, Family Circle and Prevention.